backburner.

guess i won't ever mind crisping up on your backburner. 

gue juga gak mau memposisikan diri gue jadi seorang second choice elu ya, terserah, tapi buktinya sekarang gue masih nyantol sama eluu! lu juga masih nyantol sama gue, toh? kita gak ada bedanya. cuma visi dan pandangan hidup aja yang beda, ciaelah.

udah setahun lebih sejak gue confess ke lu, tanpa dapet balasan yang setimpal. you're being such a d!ckhead back then. sekarang juga. but like, in a polite way. you're still the same stupid you, orang paling ga peka yang pernah gue kenal, the same silly you. you're still ignoring my feeling i had for you, no matter how nice you're treating me all the way, you're still leave me hanging with my own thoughts, fighting with my feelings all by myself. that's the least thing a gentleman would do. 

a year later you're still my best friend. my bestest friend. after i told myself to get over you, you're still here with me. in fact, we always find a way to meet each other almost everyday. i can't dump you, and i never will, because afterall you're my good friend. the same thing as i am your best friend too, am i? or just a friendly neighbor you can ask out to acompany you everytime you're feeling lonely?

but i'm the one you think to call, how do you feel lucky and appaled at the same time?

biasanya, pemeran second choice ini adalah orang yang gebetannya itu udah ada his special someone. udah ada orang yang disukain. but gosh, look at you! i mean it's just unusual for a boy, a young adult, nearly 21, who don't have a crush, even a slight, on someone. i like to keep it myself, but this is a phrase i keep in mind lately. cowok tuh kalo ga brengsek, love bombing di awal doang, ya gay. i'm sorry my friend, but you do look gay. to prove not, go date a girl. or at least, find yourself a girl crush. what about your ex? where's she? how could you never told me anything about her? i thought we're friends.

my point is, i am nearly over you. nearly. saying nearly because i'm still here, crisping up on your backburner. like, i'm ready if you ever change your mind suddenly, even though that's impossible.

why don't we meet on a different path? cause i'm sure you're keeping that tiny feeling for me, but you still can't accept me because of something you don't want me to know. if i may say, your heart is still frozen, gabisa ngerasain apapun. gaada emosi yang bisa gue rasain selain panik ngejar deadline. gue masih yakin kok kita masih bisa ketemu suatu saat. ketika emosi lu mulai lahir lagi satu persatu, dan gue udah bisa yakin sama diri sendiri. 

kenapa gue yakin? cause dude, we've been into so many things together. i already introduce you to my mother, and we even had dinner! cewe sinting mana yang ngajak temen cowok randomnya makan bertiga sama emaknya, kalo bukan orang yang spesial? fun fact, kita ga pacaran! cewe sinting mana yang udah movie date, art museum date, dog cafe date, dan ribuan date lainnya sama satu cowo yang bukan pacarnya!! maaf but this is the real cegil. mau tau yang lebih cegil lagi? i think my mom got a little bit attached to you. she even asked your kosan! how do i tell her that you're actually no good for me as a boyfriend? how do i tell her that deep down i still adore you no matter how many times you hurt me? what if she know that her daughter got too attached with a boy who will never love her the way she loves him?  gue baru tau aja jatuh cinta bisa serumit ini, padahal masalahnya sederhana. i got friendzoned.

gue cuma mau kita ketemu lagi dalam kondisi yang berbeda. gue mau tau aja, apakah di masa depan hati lu masi sekeras batu? apakah ada cewe (atau cowo, we never knew) yang bisa ngebobol masuk? karena satu hal ya, i don't deserve a man like you right now. cegil kek gue pantesnya sama cogil, yang kadar bucinnya tuh sama, pas, seimbang. gue dulu bilang ke diri sendiri, find another one to forget him. udah beberapa kali gue coba, dan gabisa dipungkiri emang satu-satunya cowok yang pantes disebut crush gue adalah dirimu seorang, tapi belum pantes jadi pacar. dan ternyata cara yang sejauh ini mempan adalah mengingat-ingat how you're being a total dickhead. gapantes buat gue. well, belum pantas. 

truth is, i just wanted you to be happy. pardon my cegil moment, but i mean it. if i'm not the one, then let other girl be. billie eilish said "wish u were gay" but please please please go find yourself a girl to date! aka pls don't be gay. it's been so long since you're being too close with your guy best friend and back then i confice myself that it was just a silly friendship. now it's been almost 2 years and none of you got a girl. or even a crush. if the both of you still got stuck in the past, i guess 2 years is a long time to move on? is it just the time to find another one (read: me)? nah i won't self promote myself here but the both of you, my dear friends, need to get a fuckin girl. a woman. not a girl bestfriend whatsoever. i'm always here.

god wish i could date someone to play with, but universe has tested me and the fact is i'm not the type to be playing around with my date. tmi, a dude hooked up on me but he was never that serious with me. not enough. so he ended up giving up hahah. i did nothing, i'm kind enough to reply to his texts, but he dumped me so quickly. good for him tho i was about to dump him too. 

someone said the 20s is the time you gotta take for yourself, and i agree 100%. this is the only time you're free enough to explore the world while seeking out your true passion in college. the only time you get to live freely but still with your dad's money. other girls can give their heart to get dumped and starting over again, but not me. i don't have pretty faces to attract boys, so guess they will come if they're really into my personality. and i will more appriciate them more cause they ain't seeing only whats on the outside.

so here's to the beggining of your 20s, may you live more lively starting today, future vanii! don't focus on boys, focus on yourself!!