vani goes to balii! yay?

seneng banget gasi, gue akhirnya kesampean ikut study exchange! walaupun gak ke luar negeri seperti yang gue harapin di iisma, tapi setidaknya gue kesampean nyobain kuliah di univ pilihan kedua gue di sbmptn. gue langsung daftar waktu departemen launch pengumumannya soalnya i don't see anything that holds me down. gaada sisi negatifnya gitu loh; uang transport, akomodasi, bahkan uang saku ditanggung, bisa liburan juga, bisa nambah relasi juga, dan gue bisa "kabur" sejenak dari rutinitas di malang. and also, i have a balinese blood and yet i haven't got the chance to know more about this place since i only go here for once a year. i basically don't know anything about bali. i deserve the julukan "bali kw" that i got from my mbkm friends. 

well at least that was how i think things are going to be.

turns out it's not exactly like how i want it to be. malah, jauh banget dari apa yang gue harapin. buang jauh-jauh ketemu temen baru, hangout dan nugas bareng temen-temen baru, banyak jalan-jalan dan ketemu dosen ahli atau setidaknya punya insight baru di dunia perarsitekturan. makin kesini gue jadi gak tau lagi apa yang gue harapkan dari pertukaran pelajar ini, selain dari cita-cita gue untuk exchange since highschool. also, kayak apa yang gue bilang sebelumnya, gak ada ruginya studying abroad. but expectations can kill, sometimes. at least in my case. 

 the lecturer here are not like the professional ones in my campus. can u imagine, when we're doing the regular progress presentation, they didn't pay any single attention and in fact, they're busy with their phone and laptop! like, you're a damn lecturer, have some ethics! goddess, one of them even close his eyes while my friend is talking. now they're talking to each other dan bahkan ada yg HPnya bocor, ketauan buka sosmed. hello? masih ada yang presentasi, and u're the god damn dosen! aren't u supposed to give us some bit of knowledge and stuffs? why is it the opposite? why are they so unproffesional? just so u know, u got 0 respect from me. if you don't respect us, i won't respect you either, whoever you are.

also, the kids here are the stereotype of what u call "anak teknik" with all black outfits, intimidating aura, and masculin prototype. don't forget the fact the smoke around. guess they won't ever want to hang out with the new kid with colorful outfits and innocent faces. i don't find the urge to talk to them either, so why try so hard? fuck getting new friends in unud.

i never expect a close friendship with kids from UB anyway, but this is worse. we're not getting to know each other more cause everyone's not willing to open up, and these people's attitude piss me off. some of them are really annoying and there's nothing i can do with it. there's the pick me girl (literally) so much talking without action, dan suka ketiduran dan makan space tidur gue, huh. ada juga yang cengo suka no thought head empty gitu dan di antara semua orang, gue paling gabisa ngobrol sama dia. emang sih katanya dia susah ngomong lancar, but she's not improving dan yeah gue gak pengen deket juga sama dia. ada yang egois, dalam hal gak mau nungguin temennya dan yang penting semua keinginannya tercapai dan suka bercanda tapi nyakitin orang. ada yang sangat muslimah masyaallah tabarakallah sampe sepertinya yah, tidak mentolerir ada agama lain yang peraturannya tidak seketat mereka, memang implisit, but i feel that way. dia juga manusia paling tertutup, jarang ada di setiap pergibahan dan perbincangan malam. ada yang lemot, terlalu banyak perhitungan, dan terakhir, ugh i don't find any negative side from her. mungkin dia satu-satunya orang yang pengen gue jadiin temen, tapi dia masih terlalu tertutup. u know, i am an introvert, but this people are the type of introverts that clearly don't wanna open up and socialize. most of them, sejauh pengamatan gue ya, adalah orang yang gapunya "pegangan" di arsi yang ngebuat mereka terikat. boyfriends are not included. they don't have this friend yang bisa mereka jadiin "rumah". i think i have one but idk, do they still feel the same way about me?

also, there are this few moments where i want to tell people how i feel, but i feel like i have no one to talk to. it's painful. i don't know i'm this needy to talk, but turns out i need to reach out to people. i need to talk about how i feel about a certain someone, how i think i did a great job for finishing my tasks on schedule, how i feel guilty for not able to work for a day, and how i feel like i don't belong. how i'm feeling like i'm losing my friends slowly. 

a week left until we're back to malang, and i don't feel a sense of losing. i mean oh no, bye bali and its beaches, bye beautiful sunsets and sunrises, and bye to boring studio classes. but is it a hello to a place where i call it home? is it still home, when i left it for 2 months and will the people will behave to me the same? fyi, i haven't contact my friends that often. some tried to ask how i've been, but most of them didn't even bother. guess they forget about me. even my closest friend is now ignoring my chat for the reason i can't tell. maybe he find my stories boring and childish and bro got something more important to do than answering my chat that took less than 10 second. yeah. 

i thought i'll find myself here in bali, turns out i'm more lost than ever. i haven't found my core strength, my passion, or whatever i can find. nothing! so, what's the lesson that i got here? rather than say nothing at all, i want to sumarize all the things i got here for 2 damn months. the good things.

i can get my "getaway" from esb, from hma, from boring campus routine. not to mention that i got my pocket money from campus. nah, pengen lari dari esb aja sih sebenernya. gue menyayangkan ga ikut kegiatan-kegiatan departemen dan even gue ketinggalan the only haloween event in campus! right, good parts only. gue bisa rehat, tarik nafas, dan ikut apa yang harus gue ikutin aja. ga penting itu jagain anak-anak latian di laprek sampe tengah malem, ga penting marching-marchingan sampe tipes. yang penting adalah nyoba hal baru seperti jadi writer majalah kampus, walaupun online. penting juga to keep your friends close, karena sekarang, rasanya mereka makin jauh, secara hubungan pertemanan, bukan cuma jarak. semoga beliin oleh-oleh barang yang personalized membantu.

second, what i learn from unud is that they're more like going back to the basic type of study. sketsa tangan itu penting, mereka juga tipe yang merhatiin struktur banget. dan gue liat kemaren anak-anak mabanya sibuk meng-maket. dan kerjanya dalam kelompok, dalam studio besar. mereka dipaksa buat interaksi, dan gak cuma kerja sendiri-sendiri. lalu, work-life balance, baby. what u expect from bali either? bahkan ini dosennya sendiri yang menegaskan, kalau nugas tu ga boleh berlebihan. yah, maklum si, akreditasi lebih rendah dari ub. cara kerja dosen ini terlampau santai. enak sih win-win, dosennya enak bisa ngatur jadwal sesukanya, mahasiswa enak karena kuliah online. gaenaknya, ilmu lu kemana buset di mana esensi kuliahnya? mau jadi apa lu abis lulus? so i think, kerja berlebihan -- dalam artian ketat dengan deadline, kerja under pressure, dan target yang dicapai jelas, adalah kebutuhan. capek emang, tapi emang itu kan tujuan lu pada kuliah? 

third, ini yang paling gue syukurin, adalah bagaimana gue seakan-akan diingatkan sama Tuhan buat bersyukur sama keadaaan gue yang sekarang. bisa kuliah di salah satu universitas top di indo, bisa milih jurusan yang gue mau dan akhirnya menjalaninya juga, masih on track, punya kesempatan study exchange alias bisa kuliah-mantai selama 2 bulan. setelah dipikir-pikir, kurang apa lagi gue? ini udah kehidupan terbaik yang Tuhan bisa kasih ke manusia-Nya yang kotor ini, dan panteskah gue ngomel sekarang? gue udah melihat banyak anak-anak yang gak seberuntung gue secara langsung, ambil contoh anak-anak unud yang mungkin gak menempatkan unud sebagai kampus pilihan pertama mereka, juga bukan jurusan yang mereka mau. atau malah gak diterima di unud, twice. intinya, banyak banget yang mati-matian pengen ada di posisi gue sekarang. makasih sebesar-besarnya, Tuhan! 

u know, gue malah merasa bersalah karena anak-anak ub disana mati-matian ngejar deadline, anak ukm sibuk ngurus lomba, sedangkan si staff kepala lomba ini asyik main di pantai. masa bodohlah, my life is mine. salah sendiri ga dapet kuota pertukaran pelajar, wle.

intinya, bali, thank u for the sweet escape, ya <3