dear m. vol 6: accepting.

 

really, you taught me a lot. more than i can ask for. you're doing this to avoid us both hurting, and i didn't see that coming. it hurts, but it's better than hurting to lose you in the future. like what my bestie said, "friends don't date." and that's for a good reason. what's wrong with being a good friends anyway? you know i like you, and you think so much before you act. you did try, but what's good is that we should stay friends. sumpah, lu tuh persis kaya tara. pemikirannya sama. 

my selfish self would talk trash, but i'm trying to be wise and calm here. no i won't hate you like yaya to her ex or whatsoever. that would completely ruin the purpose of you're doing this. ini namanya menerima perasaan gue seutuhnya, kalo iya emang bener gue suka ama lu, dan ya udah. let it be. we're just 19. hidup masih panjang, masih banyak waktu buat cari yang bener-bener buat diri sendiri. iya, lu tipe gue, tipe banyak cewek malahan, dan gue beruntung banget bisa jadi orang terdekat lu. jangan kepedean, tapi yah, thank you. 

gue berkali-kali yakinin diri, kalo hidup tu ga selamanya harus punya pasangan. iya temen deket gue pacaran ama temen deket gue juga, dan jeleknya gue ngerasa kalo gue harus punya seseorang juga. ya siapa lagi kalo bukan lu? agak fomo sepertinya saya ini. susah kalo cuma gue sendiri yang debat sama hati sendiri. that's why i poured my heart to you.

thanks for "sweet rejecting" me. ga usah sorry-sorry ke gue, gue jadi kesel dengan fakta kalo lu bener-bener nolak gue tau? lu nyadarin gue banyak hal yang belom bisa gue sadarin. kesel iya, marah iya banget, tapi gue akan mencoba buat ga benci sama lu, biar jaminan kita tetep terjamin, iya gak? so yeah, apakah ini akhir dari series dear m? karena gak akan ada lagi ngecrushin dia. cukup dia jadi teman terbaik gue, crush yang gak akan pernah jadi lebih, dan sebuah pelajaran berharga buat gue. aduh anjing sedih banget si bangsat... jawaban lu itu loh hih bikin geregetan. bilang aja sih, "you're a close friend to me and i don't wanna hurt you by dating you." susah amat. situ loh ngomongnya "i do care about you. but i'm still not sure of my feelings." dengan lu ngomong gitu tu kesannya kek lu emang sengaja ngegantungin gue, tau? yea bajingan sedikit memang. tapi lucunya, lu ngertiin gue. lu ngerti kalo nyukain orang tuh kek taik, dan buat uncrush tuh butuh proses. dan lu setuju ya buat bantu gue uncrush lu. entah gimana caranya. 

sebenernya, masih banyak pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang belum bisa dijawab. like, what makes you so unsure? what's holding you? can i help you with that, cause i still have this little hope for you? tapi ya sudah, some questions are meant to be unanswered. 

bisa gasih kita ber-8 temenan tanpa ada drama di antara kita? yang dua itu kita eliminasi aja. i'm talking about us. gue pengen bisa ngetreat temen cowok gue (yang notabene gebetan gue) kayak gue ngetreat temen-temen cewek gue. kenapa sih susah banget buat temenan deket tanpa ada rasa? hih. keknya salah satunya cara adalah cari gebetan baru sih, biar bisa kita gibahin bareng. 

sekarang gini. tiap gue iri liat temen-temen gue pacaran, ubah mindset, "ih mau punya pacar" dengan "gue juga punya kok, bedanya dia gabakal putus sama gue!" anjas banget ga tuh. to be real aja pani, dia gabakal mungkin jadi the one for you, toh agama aja beda. yha. he deserves cewek bentukan misellia, dan gue juga deserve cowok hindu tampan kaya raya badan seperti toji. we deserve more than ourselves.

mungkin emang bener dia "bangchan" gue. he's my comfort person, but not the one for me. he's still gonna be my home, my haven, a person i can always run to when the world is being harsh to me. nothing will gonna change that. sama kaya yang udah chan lakuin ke gue. bener-bener ya cowok berhoodie hitam ini, sangat tidak baik untuk kesehatan mental.

dear m, let's never stop being good friends, shall we?