dear m: vol 4: the big deal

(warning: harsh words, cursing)

16/08/22, 11PMish.  

yup, this is it. 

i confessed. i talked to him. my mission is completed. yay?

it's a now or never situation, you see? he's driving me home and there's no one there except mas penjaga kos not giving a shit and his lazy ass friend. sebelom dia cabut, gue nanya, "lu mau langsung istirahat or...?", seakan ngerti maksud gue, dia jawab, "gue ngikut lu. ada yang mau diomonginkah?" and i said yes and gue masuk sebentar buat ngambil kunci motor, karna mau masukin motor ke garasi. actually, ngumpulin keberanian juga. like, am i doing this? fuck van, it's now or never! and sebelom gue keluar, dia lagi jongkok dong, main sama anaknya mba penjaga kos. i saw that and... fuck, he's so adorable!! playing with a toddler like that, being so child-friendly. i smiled, knowing that i have to do this sooner or later anyway. he's in his casual black hoodie and black pants and black slip on and his usual thick messy hair. my favorite look of him. and yes, this girl is making her move !!!

kita jalan ke depan kosan sebelah. and we stood there. and i poured my heart to him. gue bilang kan kalo gue ga cuma ngomongin our friends just because of them. it's also because of me. and yea not long after... i told him that i have feelings for him. dia awalnya kek pura-pura bego gitu, nanyain ulang about our friends but noo asshole this is about me! i have a fucking feelings for you! ini tuh harus gue tegasin tiga kali apa, baru dia kek. "dari kapan?" dengan santainya. bitch?! i just poured my heart to you, dan itu reaksi lu? i said dari waktu gue sakit di jabung. i forgot the rest of the conversation but this was his answer. no, reaction. cause i wasn't asking, i'm confessing. i don't need answers.

"i guess all i can say for now is thank you? i know that gue merasa diperhatiin, merasa disayangin, and i appriciate that. but im not in a position to answer that karena gue sendiri masih gajelas..."

then i said sorry for telling this early, but then he be like, "it's okay, it's not your fault to say this now. thank you for telling me this. ga gampang loh confess begini." 

then he said, "actually gue dah ngerasain tau. i think im just sensitive for this stuff. since i took care of you, dan makin kesini makin jelas. you're no good at hiding it, van." and. and. dia. ngacak-ngacak rambut gue sambil bilang "cie salting". hahah! bro! thank you?! for ngacak-ngacak rambut gue?! gue tau rambut gue berantakan, tapi ga gini lah mainnya bro... itu tu posisinya gue lagi gerai rambut, pake kacamata, pake oversized white hoodie, terusan rok, sama sepatu abu-abu. if im in the movie, tema outfit gue yang nerd lucu gemesin TAPI SAYANGNYA GUE GAK SEINDAH ITU HAHAHAH i was a total mess. 

"so what do you actually want?"

"a tiny bit of me, hoping, that we could be more?"

"dalam hal apa? lebih perhatian kah? status kah? or what?"

jujur dia kayak ngeinterogasi gue jatohnya. nanyain apa yang gue mau. ya, gue gatau!! i don't make scenarios this far, karena misi gue cuma satu. talk. confess. udah di titik itu berhenti cause i don't know what to expect. you're just so unpredictable, you know that? he said that he cares for me, and yea, i know. just to keep it cool. we care for each other, and this all is on me. me and this stupid feeling. you're lucky i confessed! i did it because it's you, i can talk whatever to you.

intinya he's not in a position to answer yes or no, and i'm glad he's not giving answer right away. i didn't ask for it anyway. gue bisa serangan jantung kalo dia langsung siap ama jawaban saat itu juga. lagian dia juga lagi pusing ngurus probin, gue bisa apa? besok aja dia kerja lembur sampe kamis. and maybe besok-besoknya juga. tapi, dia bisa ngasih jaminan. katanya, our friendship won't change. we'll stay friends no matter what. and just when gue ngusir dia pulang, dia nanya "janji lu ga bakal kenapa-napa nanti pas gue balik?". aw, how can he possibly know a girl's mind? sure i won't be okay, you kidding me? i just confessed to my crush after holding it for 5 or 6 months and he's not giving any answer, what do you expect me to do? act like nothing happened?

so yeah, the big mission is done. all i gotta do know is prepare for the worst, and while waiting, let's act normal. like nothing happened. i'm ready to be his good friend, i'm ready if he want to stay being friends with me. i'm lucky enough to get here, honestly speaking. whatever happen, let it be. i did my part, let him do his. 

dear m, thank you for being so nice to me all along :)