dear m. vol 3: chance

 dear m, i've been contacting my closest friends lately, asking what should i do to you.

and fuck, the more i talk to them, the hurter it got because they told me the precautions. they're being reasonable, you see, because this is all on me. you're not wrong for acting sweet to me, because i may not be the only special person to you. it's not wrong for you to have many close friends, unlike me. i'm the one who's hurting myself here, every night, espescially after meeting you. i'm denying it all the time, trying to take back all my feelings, but the more i did it, it will only hurting me more. do you think it's easy to act friendly to you even though my heart stomps so hard? 

feel like i'm living in my own thoughts. i don't think straight forward, because the only thing i want is to be with you...? my words dont make any fuckin sense,  i know. i have trouble translating my feelings into words. 

my friend told me that i have 2 answer to my questions. 2 options to end all this. 1 is to leave you, and all this shitty feeling to you. but in the end, i'll suffer even more. you're my close friend, and i can't just leave you like that. why would i? and you will also questioning my action, won't you? it's not an option for me.

the 2nd option is... to... talk. to ask lightheartedly to you. it is a hard option, but it's the most reasonable one. and for that, i think imma have to do this. it has been 5 months or so. and all my life, i didnt have the guts to confess to my crush, and that never end up well. all my life, i am the people watching, the secret admirer. i dont wanna be that forever. yes, other girls be sitting nice and still and the next day a boy would approach her and ask her to go out. i mean, life is not that simple, lads! 

this would be the act i'll regret or either be thankful the most. 

so, dear m, can't you make this easy for me? open up a bit to me? even if i'm just a friend to you, can't you please tell me that? if one day i'll show you this writing, will our friendship change? our friend told me that you won't. well, is it? no one will know except if i make a move. fuck, why am i the only one making a move? but i can't hold this anymore!! as the time goes by, it hurts remembering i have to suffer by myself thinking about you. fuck teenage love. 

dear m, will you open your heart to your best friend? even just a little bit?