update on life.

 Gosh, this practice schedule is killing me! I swear this is just too much, considering we're all on our semester break?!

Long story short, I got into a Marching Band activity in campus, and I was chosen to join a competition. Technically every new kid was told to join though, so I'm not that cool-talented color guard kid. I'm just... let's say I join this club to go on a competition. To "dance". I chose to be here in this club, especially this section, because I just want to. And then yes I attend to their regular practices, and now to the point where they plan a practice schedule for 6 days a week and 8-11 hours a day. And I'm afraid this will last until 21st of October, the D-day. July is just starting, fyi.

Crazy shit. huh?

I trully enjoy playing with the flag, it just looks beautiful if you're good at it. I want to be good. I want to be, idk, naturally good. Good without any forcing from anyone. I want to be good because I'm willing to. I just want to enjoy the process without being forced. I know they're not forcing me to magically do double toss in a day, but, it's torturing. I don't want to attend practice everyday. I want my holiday! 

Nggak tau ya, mungkin ini liburan produktif pertama gue sebagai "mahasiswa aktif" di kuliah. Kasarannya gitu, tapi gue cuma bisa melihat sisi capeknya daripada aktifnya. Gue kangen rumah, kangen bonyok, kangen anjing gue, kangen masakan rumah. Yang gue dapetin dari latihan hampir tiap hari adalah badan sakit-sakit setiap bangun tidur, rasa malas untuk berangkat, dan endless cycle of mengeluh dan mengeluh. I feel like I'm not growing. Iya, gue termasuk lama kalo belajar, but does it have to take this long? and this torturing? Tangan kanan gue belom sembuh total, fyi. Gue gak yakin apakah dia bisa sembuh beneran dengan jadwal-jadwal begini. Gue juga manusia, gue bisa capek, dan gue gak bisa terus-terusan izin dengan alasan 'sakit'. I'm mentally sick, for God's sake! 

Ditambah, gue gak ada temen deket disini. Ada, tapi kita sama-sama disibukkan sama kegiatan yang berbeda, jadwal libur juga nggak pernah sama. Ditambah ekstra pusing mikirin perasaan gue sama 'temen deket' gue ini. Ada kalanya gue pengen nelpon dia cuma untuk basa-basi, tapi gue siapa? Gak mungkin kan gue tiba-tiba nelpon dan bilang kalo gue capek dan pengen bareng sama lo sekarang juga? I suck at relatioships. Especially in romantical way. Heran aja gimana orang-orang bisa semudah itu saling nyukain dan tau-tau udah jadian aja. I watched plenty of romantic series and movies, wishing someday it could happen to me too. My bestie in hometown even had her kiss! I don't wanna sound pathetic, but can't help to feel so. Not when my crush is my closest friend at the moment.

Liburan gini, lu tuh jadi mikir kemana-mana tau, sampe pusing sendiri. About life. About what I'm gonna do in the future, and what if I suck at everything I do. Yang jelas, gue gak mau rutinitas yang ngebosenin. Dulu, pas sekolah, gue selalu pengen ngelakuin hal lain selain belajar. Sekarang udah terwujud tuh, gue latihan fisik tiap hari, and guess what? Not sattisfied yet. Gue benci rutinitas. Kalo sekarang tuh, rasanya, gue terlalu capek buat latihan tiap hari sampe gak ada waktu buat ngelakuin yang lain. Entah itu cuma alesan karena gue males, atau itu emang beneran capek. Tapi gue beneran capek kok, orang tiap malem gue selalu gak bisa namatin series karena saking ngantuknya. Jadi gini ya rasanya jadi atlit... 

I feel so alone. Unwanted. And that's why I'm trying my best here to pleasure myself. Jalan-jalan ke mall sendirilah, nonton, jajan, apapun yang bisa bikin gue seneng. Gue ada prinsip, sebelom gue nemu this special person that can love me, I need to love myself the fullest. Karena siapa lagi yang paling ngertiin lo selain lo sendiri? Ya gak? So in the future, if I'm seeing someone, misi love myself gue tuh udah selesai gitu loh. Gue bakalan bisa ngasih tau pacar gue apa yang palin gue sukain, paling butuh, dan semua. Jadi dia nggak usah cari tahu gitu. Does this make any sense? Sekarang, pertanyaan sesungguhnya adalah, KAPAN PUNYA PACARNYA???!!