living alone?

you know what i dont like the most about living around with my family? i know i shouldn't have say this in the first place, but, i think it's time for me to grow up. you know, being mature.

i don't like the fact that everything i use, everywhere i go, anything i've done, my parents (and probably my siblings too) are always in the part of it. i didn't notice this first, but when i think of living all by myself, it hits me. by example, every soap and shampoo product i use, it's never my choice. i mean i know my parents are buying what's best for me but, have you ever thought of it? i never choose my shampoo brand for my life! another one, is that i never go by myself without my parents knowing. i have to tell them where i want to go, with whom, what am i going to do. and i thank god that they're not that strict type of parents... luckily. but still. with this, you do know what i mean right?

by next month, i should've been in malang already, living in my peaceful boarding house, alone. thinking of how i rely so much on my parents, i don't think i'm ready. i'm excited, of course! never been this excited. i'm gonna get my first room for myself! i can decor it as much as i like, i don't have to sleep with my siblings ever again... that thoughts are the main reason why i want to go there asap. 

i told you that my parents know the best for me, right? sometimes it could be too much that i can't believe my own eyes. they bought me a motorcycle. yes a goddamn red and shiny honda motor! for me! i even can't ride it properly! they're being so nice to me and... i don't know. don't you think it's too sudden for me just to leave like that? riding on my own, buying my own needs, eating whatever food i want, go everywhere i want, with whoever, whenever? it sounds exciting and terrifying at the same time.

i can't wait to be a grown up. i'm 18 (19 in 3 months), yet i don't feel so. i feel like i'm trapped in my 14 or 15. i'm blaming the global pandemic for this. it's not just affecting the economic side of the world or whatever side, it's affecting a child's behavior too, their emotions. my little sister is one. she's comfortable studying online, and not have to interact with friends. what worries me is the fact that she thinks that she doesn't need friends. she's happy on her own. don't you think it's a big ass problem?

aside than making children an individualist, i feel like it's slowing down the maturity of someone...? like for example, in my age, i'm supposed to live alone already, having real relations with real people (romance or not, idc), and many other things!! i'm aging physically but not mentally huhu i'm practically just an 11 grader in a body of a colleger. speaking of romance, believe or not, i never had a serious boyfriend for the 18 year of living. it's always another crush, over and over again. now that im not seeing people my age because of the goddamn pandemic, i dont even have one! and it's not normal! well the good thing about this is that i haven't experienced heartbreaks hehe. i never cry for boys, i never spend my 24/7 thinking about him and i never have to spend money just to spend time with him. i think i'm lucky.

right back to the topic.

about living alone, i'm half ready and half hesitating. but i think the 'ready' half is dominating, because i met some of my friends not long ago (you can read about this in my people.) and with them being so nice to me, i think it's a good start. i want new friends, new experience, new society, new environments, and most importantly, i want to be a new me. in less than 2 month, i'll be born again (i hope so lol).